grief & its complexities.

this post's gunna go deep, so put your seatbelts on (or dip if you don't wanna go deep right now).

grieving the loss of somebody close to you does so many incredibly confusing and complicated things; things i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. when i lost my big sister Abby, my whole lil world got flipped onto its head. and then got flipped again. and a couple more times. but, weirdly, the  rest of the world carried on like normal. why wasn't everybody sad? why didn't everybody stop and grieve my big sister dying? don’t they know what just happened? 

abby, my amazing big sis 

the sad truth is this is just that tip of the iceberg when it comes to grief. i can only tell you my experience obviously, but after this initial stage of being angry at the world for not being sad like i was, my brain kicked in to autopilot mode. i wasn't fully present for a lotta years, because a part of me was always not okay, no matter how hard i pretended it was or wanted it to be. this made me act up in so many ways, running from that damaged part of myself at every opportunity. but that part of myself that wanted me to acknowledge its pain, the part i avoided, was the same part that i now understand to be capable of kindness, compassion and authenticity. i think that's why it took a while for me to really breathe and feel the deeper emotions i'd kept at bay for so long, when i was able to comprehend them. i remember one period of time where i'd say i didn't think about my sister at all anymore. this was a blatant lie, of course, but i was too scared to let those feelings be felt. GRIEF IS SO WEIRD. why does it do that?

recently, after spending so much time on my ones (not always by choice, lockdown tings), i've become comfortable in accepting the feelings that i need to feel sometimes. that does NOT mean i'm not still grieving, because i definitely am, but it means that i've pressed play instead of pausing my entire life and growth as a person just to keep my emotions out. sometimes it's extra shit, other times it's okay, and every day i still miss her. but since i've allowed myself to feel whatever typa way i feel, it meant i could also start seeing the beauty in life again. the beauty in the world, in people, in myself. it's so weird that feeling those things was the key to a whole new perspective. i hear abby's voice in the songs she loved and i know that she's watching over me all the time. she's proud that i let that part of myself back in.

i've started to write poetry because it lets me explain these complex situations and emotions in ways that don't have to be so literal; we all know what it's like to feel things you can't quite fit into literal words. to anybody grieving right now: first of all i'm sending you a lot of love. i can't feel your pain for you, but i sympathise so hard with you. it's shit. but, like everything in this world, it's temporary. one day you'll be able to look back and smile at the good times you had and see the good in the world again. i know how ugly it might look right now. secondly, try writing a poem about how you feel. i know, i know, it sounds kinda mental. but trust me, it's so healing to create something beautiful out of your pain. if writing’s not your thing, just create something. in a way, i think it's been a stepping stone for me to see the world differently. grief definitely changes you. but don't let it take your heart and don't let it trick you into pushing it away for more than necessary; from my experience, it doesn't stay away for long anyway. when you're ready, feel the shit things, mourn and cry your eyes out. then do it again. one day the tears will dry and you'll evolve from the state of confusion and metamorphosize baby! more than once, too.

every single time i've really let the entirety of those feelings in, i've learnt the biggest lessons i've ever learnt. even if, at the time, the instinct was to shut them back out again. best believe i listened to that a couple times. and what i've clocked is that that's okay. sometimes you gotta put it on hold until you're ready. just don't do what i did and try convince yourself they no longer exist. the lessons i'm speaking about aren't really that philosophical, but it definitely taught me sensitivity and compassion toward myself and others alike. 

this was a rambly one, but from the heart for R.E.A.L.

thank you for reading, you're (most likely) amazing. jokes you definitely are. ok bye

k

xxxx